So, I guess I should start this from the bottom, and maybe over time, I will work myself to the top – or maybe even just the middle would be good.
I am starting this documentation of my journey through life, by talking about suicidal thoughts.
I am not expecting anyone to read these, so wont worry too much about them making all that much sense. I just need somewhere to get my thoughts, processes and ideas out, and maybe someone stumbles upon them and it helps them too.
So here we go. A perfectly average, young female adult who overnight began experiencing thoughts of suicide. It went as follows:
March: I lose my job due to work related stress and lack of mental health support. I travel to Japan and complete my life long dream. Random and erratic mood swings start.
April: Existential crisis are regular and questioning self worth. I travel to Germany for an in house photographer role at German Fetish Ball. I consider giving up photography, my biggest passion, for irregular reasons.
End of May 2017: Thinking everything would be better off if I didn’t exist. I got on the waiting list for Talking Therapies. I start to feel numb and lack response.
June: Thinking how much better things would be if I didn’t exist. I started a new job as a fashion photographer for a successful clothing brand. Which only ended up being the worst job of my life and work related stress quickly set in.
July: What was the point of life? I am an open advocate in mental health and rights in the work place, I talk publicly about my problems with passion. I cut off from relationships and tell my parents about my mental health struggles and feelings of worthlessness, they believe me for the first time in ten years.
August: I cant cope with life. I got my first appointment with a therapist, by the 2nd session, she told me she couldn’t help me and referred me to a psychiatric waiting list. I also got signed up to receive daily texts for positive well being. I had waited 14 weeks to see a therapist.
September: I am catatonic until the point I lose my job due to mental health stigma. I am the happiest I have been in a long while and receive a much better job offer. However mood swings extend to stopping me being able to drive safely or hiding in car parks for a few hours, catatonic or panic attack.
October: The mood swings and aggressive episodes start to become more prominent and uncontrollable but I still have clarity and feelings of stability. I move to Hull and hiatus from modelling and photography. The psychiatrist gets back to me too late and I have already moved cities for my new job. I go dark online.
November: Overly aggressive, fighting and believing no one else had any right to my life. I start a wonderful new job and move into a new shared accommodation. However, I am full of uncontrollable rage and spite. I become self conscious about my image and weight. My relationships start to fall apart. I avoid leaving the house.
December: Thinking how the pain would stop if I died. I apply for Hull mental health services, get reviewed quickly and offered a stress management course and CBT. I get worse every time I have to leave the house and the closer to Christmas it gets, I ring crisis line, find them very unhelpful. I am down about having gained weight, clothes dont fit. My new friends host an intervention.
January: Researching different types of suicide and figuring out which one I didn’t want, and what access I had to materials. I get worse over the next few days and cut my face, I go to the doctor and get beta blockers and a referral to have my implant removed. I start a 4 week course for stress management. I start to attend the gym and follow a diet plan. I get upset when I go in a changing room because I am disgusted by the body in the mirror.
That is where we are now.